Let’s be frank: the legal industry is responsible for producing some of the most poorly crafted marketing campaigns in history excluding the IBM graffiti campaign of 2001. If you somehow aren’t familiar with lawyers’ tacky television ads, let the infamous Lowell “the Hammer” Stanley serve as your reference point.
Sure there’s probably some kind of subculture that actually likes these half-baked schemes but most of us, especially lawyers who still respect the profession, want to smack these guys in their faces. It’s like Billy Mays marketing the Shamwow & Snuggie Law Group while coming off meth - shaky ground at best.
Most practices are turning to online marketing by creating websites that end up looking more ill conceived than a Jocelyn Wildenstein and Lyle Lovett lovechild. Here’s our list of the Top 5 Worst Attempts at Marketing a Legal Practice online.
Design Flaw: Ridiculous amount of font colors, scrolling text, and the fact that his “Reviews” are off-the-cuff interview comments from two celebrities.
Projected Red Flag: When you run into him in a bar and he introduces himself saying “Hi, I’m Brent Buckman; you may recognize me from the Apprentice.” Or it could be the bootlegged highlight reel he makes you watch as your consultation is billed away in 6 minute increments of your loathing.
Design Flaw: An overwhelming amount of text that that is broken up by haphazard purple and blue highlighting. I bet it looked cutting edge on dial-up internet like the New Jersey Board of Bar Examiners site.
Projected Red Flag: Sure, I may be able to get past that Al Capone mug-shot at the top; but when you list that you speak "Mexican", and then have the huevos rancheros to put it right next to the other language you speak: "Espanol," you’re not thorough - just stupid.
Design Flaw: Neon blue and a long, yellow thumbnail in the header. The content on the homepage lists a full paragraph of questions, beginning with, "Has your relationship broken down?" This paragraph is followed by the statement, "We can answer these questions." ...Excellent! Who needs legal advice? This guy can tell you if your relationship has broken down!
Design Flaw: I would argue that the picture was too large but I understand that they needed to get all of their dead crocs in. Oh, and the gun just in case that rascally critter comes back to life. They provide no real information about their practice, certifications, or background other than a loose relation to Col. Sanders.
Projected Red Flag: You sit on one of the many chairs covered with dusty pelts and Augustus Gloop kicks his gator skin boots up on the desk as continues calling you “Boy.” Another would be when he tells you about how great Gator huntin’ on the fan boat ride home is as he pretends to shoot them with the pistol he actually carries.
Design Flaw: Forgetting the internet exists outside middle-earth.
Projected Red Flag: She calls you an ignorant racist for coming to the Temple of the Frog and not learning the language. Ava vanta i salquessë, Runnel, Nostach be Orch gaer. (Keep off the grass, Runnel, you smell like 10 orcs.)