The 5 Worst Lawyer Websites

Let’s be frank: the legal industry is responsible for producing some of the most poorly crafted marketing campaigns in history excluding the IBM graffiti campaign of 2001. If you somehow aren’t familiar with lawyers’ tacky television ads, let the infamous Lowell “the Hammer” Stanley serve as your reference point.

Sure there’s probably some kind of subculture that actually likes these half-baked schemes but most of us, especially lawyers who still respect the profession, want to smack these guys in their faces. It’s like Billy Mays marketing the Shamwow & Snuggie Law Group while coming off meth - shaky ground at best.

Most practices are turning to online marketing by creating websites that end up looking more ill conceived than a Jocelyn Wildenstein and Lyle Lovett lovechild. Here’s our list of the Top 5 Worst Attempts at Marketing a Legal Practice online.

5. http://www.brentbuckman.com/

Design Flaw: Ridiculous amount of font colors, scrolling text, and the fact that his “Reviews” are off-the-cuff interview comments from two celebrities.

Projected Red Flag: When you run into him in a bar and he introduces himself saying “Hi, I’m Brent Buckman; you may recognize me from the Apprentice.” Or it could be the bootlegged highlight reel he makes you watch as your consultation is billed away in 6 minute increments of your loathing.

4. http://www.casedismissed.us/

Design Flaw: An overwhelming amount of text that that is broken up by haphazard purple and blue highlighting. I bet it looked cutting edge on dial-up internet like the New Jersey Board of Bar Examiners site.

Projected Red Flag: Sure, I may be able to get past that Al Capone mug-shot at the top; but when you list that you speak "Mexican", and then have the huevos rancheros to put it right next to the other language you speak: "Espanol," you’re not thorough - just stupid.

3. http://www.enjlawyer.com/

Design Flaw: The plain manila folder background, the photo of him saying “Drrrrr, I mean, uhhhhhhhhh” in front of the microphones, offending spacing between sections, and the stock photos that are accompany his areas of practice. I also enjoy the personal injury page that looks nothing like the design of the website; it must have been tough to switch from Geocities.

Projected Red Flag: He represents you for free if it’s your first marijuana possession charge. But hey, it’s hard for a guy who looks like a cop to score some weed.

2. http://www.lawyers.com/ohlmeyerlaw/

Design Flaw: I would argue that the picture was too large but I understand that they needed to get all of their dead crocs in. Oh, and the gun just in case that rascally critter comes back to life. They provide no real information about their practice, certifications, or background other than a loose relation to Col. Sanders.

Projected Red Flag: You sit on one of the many chairs covered with dusty pelts and Augustus Gloop kicks his gator skin boots up on the desk as continues calling you “Boy.” Another would be when he tells you about how great Gator huntin’ on the fan boat ride home is as he pretends to shoot them with the pistol he actually carries.

1. http://www.Runnelslaw.com/

Design Flaw: Forgetting the internet exists outside middle-earth.

Projected Red Flag: She calls you an ignorant racist for coming to the Temple of the Frog and not learning the language. Ava vanta i salquessë, Runnel, Nostach be Orch gaer. (Keep off the grass, Runnel, you smell like 10 orcs.)

Comments

[Vince Lin]

I thought the 1st site was pretty good! Notice the moving waterfall and fire!

[Toronto Family Lawyer]

At best it looks amateurish; at worst, it looks like the lawyer can't afford a real website.

[Masako Gun]

Wow. Those are some pretty surprising sites. Indeed, it's more or less a big, bright red flag for lawyer sites to deviate from a professional image. Sure, setting a friendly tone is all well and good, but a website has to be all about business in the end.

[Commissioner]

No5 the Runnels law is just jaw-droppingly bad.I really had trouble believing it is a lawyers website.

Plus the catchphrase "lex et lumen" is so cheesy. I just hope they are better at practicing law than picking web design.

Good spot.

[bicycle clothes]

Sure there’s probably some kind of subculture that actually likes these half-baked schemes but most of us, especially lawyers who still respect the profession, want to smack these guys in their faces. It’s like Billy Mays marketing the Shamwow & Snuggie Law Group while coming off meth - shaky ground at best.

[TheNail221]

To "the Hammer,"

1. The article clearly uses you as a benchmark for the others, you should feel honored; especially if 'thats what you were going for.'

2. It's a dead link, please re-post it so I can learn more about what you do.

3. How often do you Google your own name? I mean, seriously man.

4. Part of the article's purpose was a nod to how darn entertaining those kinds of ads are. They obviously knew who you were = you're "tacky and tasteless" mission accomplished.

5. Do you have "the Hammer" t-shirts? How can I go about purchasing something like that? My brother owns a screening shop, we should talk merchendising. Most importantly, how do you manicure those eyebrows so well? They're so thick but so fastidiously trimmed. I'm guessing an application of Pomade keeps them in place. They look like two little Bert Reynolds mustaches.

Eternally yours,
"The Nail"

[Lowel Stanley]

As the infamous "Lowell the hammer Stanley",I'm disappointed that you don't approve.But please understand that what I do is not a"poorly crafted marketing campaign" but carefully planned and quite successful. Tacky yes, Tasteless yes, but then I'm not trying to appeal to sophisticates like yourself. I'm trying to reach the working man who is comfortable with television and has no problem with an aggressive approach. I care about my clients and fight hard for them, and I tell them so in no uncertain terms. Perhaps you might like to know something about me before condemning what I do. Check this out http://www.theinjurylawyer.com/news-camping.html My best to you and your family. Again sorry you don't like what I do...........Love,Lowell

[Tonymossesq]

This is where the whole thing started this morning. Talk about laughing till your ribs start to hurt . . . !!